It's Not Easy Being Queen
by Colleentj
Summary: A typical day in the life of Zelda. "Seriously, Ganondorf. What part of, 'No taking over the world today, I'm on my period,' didn't you understand!" One-shot.


**It's Not Easy Being Queen**

_An Abridged Autobiography_

Sometimes, a girl just has to let loose. My life's crazy, you know? Uptight. Stressful. I feel like I'm always dodging bullets on everything, which is a real pain in the royal booty. I mean, I've got this insane crew of royal advisors up my butt every second of the day. And then there are the blockheaded guards who wouldn't know right from left and keep letting thieves into the castle. And then there are Link and Ganondorf, who are really just the icing on the cake at this point.

I'm telling you, I put up with a lot. It's not easy being Princess Zelda Harkinian XII of Hyrule.

Like, for example, let me tell you about today. Impa- she's my handmaid- woke me up at the crack of dawn. Usually I don't mind getting up early but this morning she teamed up with the Guard Captain and roused me with a _tuba_. And of course that led to the unfortunate union of the tuba and the Guard Captain's head… poor man, he was in the infirmary all morning and he never was completely freed of the rampant instrument.

Anyway, then I had to get dressed and attend the morning council, which was held in a conference room with a long mahogany table. The meeting was going well—we were negotiating a mistake in translation regarding a Hylian/Goron territorial claim—when all of a sudden a bell clanged signaling fire in the castle. Figuring that Hyrule Castle was under attack, we underwent an extremely demanding emergency procedure, only to find out that the cook had accidentally ignited a small stove fire while attempting to make breakfast.

The disgruntled team of advisors then accompanied me back inside the abandoned castle, where we continued the meeting where we had left off. However, the sudden evacuation had left the council in a state of excitement and frenzy, and they were quite unable to concentrate afterward. In the end, no diplomatic solution to the territory mishap was reached and the winner was decided by a state-of-the-art coin flip.

Outraged at having lost the coin flip, the Goron diplomats decided to "accidentally" dismantle everything they passed on the way out of the castle. As one Goron was leaving he accidentally rigged one of the Castle's booby traps, which of course set off another alarm. Furious but forced to oblige, my team and I repeated the emergency procedure, evacuating the castle and then taking inventory of each and every servant to make sure everybody was safe outside.

This of course created a great deal of confusion among the servants which was only resolved once nearly an hour had passed. When we finally got inside it was nearly noon. I for one was starving and dismissed the rest of the council without a second thought, fully reluctant to return to that stuffy old room with the long mahogany table.

I entered the dining hall with a growling stomach and sore, aching heels. However, upon approaching the dining table, I realized—quite to my discontent—that I was not alone for lunch. Hyrule's revered hero, Link, had brought it upon himself to accompany me for the midday meal.

I greeted him and made small-talk, all the while wondering how he would respond if I asked him for a foot massage. The chance never arrived, however, as Impa soon joined us. She pretended to apologize profusely for being a third wheel. She then loudly indicated that she knew Link and I were only friends and that her initial remark had only been done in jest. Impa then spent the rest of the meal trying to convince Link to propose to me and take the throne as she was quite sure nobody else would at this point.

I guess I do have a habit for complaining.

Afternoon came far too quickly. I was seated in the royal library addressing a law concerning a new road system when, for the third time today, the alarm bell clanged in warning. This, and I say this quite modestly, drove me right over the edge. I believe I destroyed a good half of our encyclopedia collection when I slammed the volumes into the floor in utter frustration. Figuring it was just another ruse, I decided to ignore the bell completely and returned to my work. What was it this time? A rat's nest found in a secret passageway? A shoe that was missing its partner? Disgusted, I agreed to a law—I'm still not quite sure _what _that law was—without thinking twice.

And of course at that moment the door to the library burst open and Ganondorf Dragmire strode in with two massive moblins in tow.

I'm telling you now. Someone, somewhere, has it out for me.

Seriously, Ganondorf. I was having a bad enough day already. And besides, haven't we had this sort of discussion before? What part of, "No taking over the world today, I'm on my period," didn't you understand?!

This was probably the third time this month that Ganondorf had decided to seize the throne, so I was relatively unfazed by the entire ordeal. I was considering beating him over the head with the encyclopedia collection when, lo and behold, the door was knocked off of its hinges and an entire rescue squad came into save me.

At the front of it all was Link, who looked heroic as always, followed by three or four dopey looking guards. The Guard Captain had arrived as well but his head was still caught in that dreadful tuba—I still feel guilty about that, by the way—and so when he tried to run into the library to save me, the tuba collided with the top of the doorframe and the poor Guard Captain was knocked off of his feet and onto his back.

Confused and disoriented, the few idiotic guards who had stationed themselves behind their captain tripped over his body and face-planted on top of each other as well. This left nobody but Link standing on two feet. With a great deal of speed and ferocity, Link shot the two moblins in the back and caught Ganondorf in a headlock. They stumbled around for a few seconds before Link cast Ganondorf out of the window and into the bushes below, where Impa and yet another team of useless guards handcuffed him and led him away.

(Let it be known that after sending Ganondorf reeling into the hedge, Link shouted, "LINK, 8, GANONDORF, NEGATIVE 5," before fleeing the library performing some sort of ancient war chant. Hitherto I hadn't been privy to any sort of challenge—had they really been keeping count? And how had the Gerudo king earned _negative five _points? A flashback occurred soon afterwards of a drunk game of spin-the-bottle nearly six months ago… was that it?)

It was only two in the afternoon and I was ready for the day to be over. Fancying a nap, I abandoned my duties and began the journey back to my bedchambers. As I was crossing the entrance hall, a guard stopped me.

"I'm sorry, Your Majesty, but you are not permitted to pass through this way."

"Why not?" I asked, eyeing him accusingly.

"This section of the castle is under strict maintenance. If you were hoping to access the east wing, I am afraid you'll have to take a detour."

I let out a sigh. "Sir, I really wish that you'd just—"

"No—"

"But—"

"Not going to—"

"If you'd just—"

"Your Majesty, I insist you find another route."

My initial impatience had matured into a full-fledged tantrum.

"No! I refuse to take any more of this! I am tired of routine, and I am tired of rules!" I was yelling, now, and it was actually quite embarrassing. "I am sick of our meager attempts to avoid chaos, which only result in the _creation _of chaos!

And in that moment, I kid you not, the double doors swung open and a procession entered. It started with a one man band, followed by two dozen cuccos and six Gerudo acrobats balancing on top of a single horse. A cow entered next, wheeling in on a chariot with a tiara on its head. Then Ganondorf entered, having broken free of his shackles. He might have gone unnoticed if a howl hadn't echoed from above.

I glanced up just in time to see Link swing down from the rafters clutching the chandelier. There was a terrifying _crack _and the chandelier dislodged from the wall. Link went tumbling to the ground, landing on top of Ganondorf with a triumphant—but muffled—cry of "NEGATIVE SIX!" The chandelier landed some feet away, sending glass everywhere.

But—no, that wasn't glass, it was water. The horse carrying the acrobats slipped on the wet floor and toppled over, sending the acrobats somersaulting into the ground. The cow in the sliding chariot gave a terrified _MOO _before crashing into the rear end of the stationary horse, which in turn gave a shocked whinny. The similarly maddened cuccos were sent into a frenzy, flapping their wings in terror and sending feathers flying. Two cuccos crashed into another and popped on impact, cuing an explosion of feathers.

The insanity might have ended there if the one man band hadn't been involved but, alas, of course he was. He slipped right across the room, limbs flailing as he went. And just at that moment, the poor, poor guard captain decided to enter the room. The guard captain and the one-man-band collided in a fabulous display of noise, and when it was all over and the lunacy had ended, the guard captain had a tuba on his head, two trumpets on his arms, and a drum around his shoulders. A triangle hanging from his belt just completed the set.

I was fuming at the sight of the wrecked entrance hall. I could feel that anger boiling up, it was going to escape somehow, I couldn't stop it, there it went—

"ENOOOOUGH!"

_Knock, knock, knock._

"Princess Zelda? Are you all right?"

The canopy above me came into focus. It took a few seconds for my foggy mind to clear.

"Zelda?" Impa's voice drew nearer. "Zelda… Your Highness, have you awoken?"

The rest of my bedchamber came into focus. My eyes widened and I sat up.

"Impa—"

"Shh. Don't make yourself crazy, now. You fell asleep—you were shouting in your sleep—"

"Fell asleep?"

"Well, passed out, more like," Impa was explaining. "You were yelling at a guard captain… something about creating chaos. It was in the west passage. The next thing we all knew you had collapsed. I brought you up to your chambers, figuring you might fancy a rest."

I paused. "So the procession in the entrance hall was just a dream?"

Impa seemed fairly amused. "I would assume."

Another idea struck me. "Has the entire day been a dream? With the alarm bells going off and Ganondorf invading the castle?"

Here Impa sighed. "I'm afraid that those events were very much real."

There was a moment of pressing silence. I could tell Impa was waiting for me to do something.

And then I did.

I collapsed into her shoulder, tears forming in my eyes.

"It's too hard, Impa, it's too much stress and work! I can't take it anymore!"

She rubbed my back, trying her best to shush me.

"I mean, have you seen the things I deal with? _Daily_?" I added as an afterthought.

"Of course I've seen it."

"And I really get no appreciation for it. Do you know what today is, Impa? _Do _you?"

"Your Highness, I suggest you straighten up and follow me downstairs," Impa said. "There's somebody down there who wants a word with you."

I quieted at this point, wiping my tears away.

"Come on," Impa said, "let's get you cleaned up."

She washed my face and combed my hair after that, helping me to look my best for whatever visitor had come to call. The sun had set by now—had I slept away the afternoon?

"Now," she said once she had finished, "follow me."

She led me out of my chamber and down the tower staircase. I was still shaken from dream and the absurd events of the day. I wondered what being awaited me at the bottom of the staircase. An ambassador from a storybook kingdom? An alien from the future? The possibilities seemed endless at this point.

I was not prepared for what met me when I finished descending those stairs.

"SURPRISE!"  
There they all were—Impa, the guard captain, all the castle guards and servants, the royal council, gorons, zoras, and every other loony castle resident that had crossed my path recently. It was quite a sight, each of them dressed their best and surrounding a banquet table with a great layered cake on top. There were stacks of food and gifts, tables set up around a dance floor. A band played in the corner of the hall—a real band, not a one-man-band, mind you—and in the middle of it all, with a grin on his face…

"Link!"

The young, probably-mentally-unstable hero of Hyrule gave off a broad grin. "Well?" he finally said. "You didn't _really _think we'd forgotten your birthday, did you?"

It took me a second to come up with a response. "No," I answered after awhile, a grin of disbelief spreading across my face. "Of course not."

You know what? I've said it once, I'll say it again. I put up with a lot. After all, it's not easy being Princess Zelda Harkinian XII of Hyrule. It's something new every day. It's always crazy, it's always a pain in the royal booty. But sometimes I just stop and look at this insane, beautiful world around me. And I realize that I live a wonderful, privileged life. I get to take care of this kingdom which does its best to take care of me. I get to be the peacemaker, even if negotiations aren't always conducted in the most peaceful of manners. I get to watch this world prosper and grow, I get to keep it safe, I get to watch it flourish. And I get to do it all with a group of friends by my side, friends like Link and Impa who will go to the ends of the earth to lend a helping hand.

So there you have it. Is it hectic? Yes. Does it drive me crazy? Of course. Could I use a day off? You bet I could.

But at the end of the day, one question always remains.

_Is it worth it?_

Yes. Always.

** I thought I'd try something a little different, a little more lighthearted. If I was Zelda I'd probably end up in an asylum, not gonna lie. I don't know **_**how **_**the girl deals with it. I mean, holy cow. Good on you, Zelda, good on you.**

** The title—and hopefully you got this one—is a reference to "It's Not Easy Being Green." Kermit the frog, anyone? **

** Anyway, thanks for reading. Please leave a review and tell me what you thought. I'd really appreciate the feedback! :)**


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